Hope

Well, let's see, it's been awhile. I have had so much going on over the last few weeks emotionally, that I just couldn't seem to pick up the laptop and write my feelings down. There were times I thought about it, but the task just seemed too draining.


I think my last post on forgiveness has weighed me down. I have had a hard time letting some things go. I know it's wrong, I know I should forgive, but sometimes feelings don't follow the mind.


Of course, God is not satisfied at leaving me where I am. He is working. He is faithful and sovereign and has begun a work to change me. Over the last few weeks, our ladies group at church has started an in-depth bible study on the book of Esther. It is a Beth Moore study entitled: Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman. Oh, how true that is! The remarkable part of Esther's story, is that she had a destiny that God had called her to. She rose up to the challenge despite her circumstances and lives were changed. "For such a time as this" the scriptures say. But it doesn't just end with Esther. We are all called to a destiny. I wholeheartedly believe there is a reason we are on this earth at this time, in this place.

After being so weighed down emotionally over the last few weeks, I left Thursday night bible study feeling uplifted by prayers. As I was driving home, I began to feel an awesome presence of my Lord. One way He chooses to speak to me is through song. And boy, were they coming at me that night. I began to pray for freedom. Freedom from my anger, freedom from my thoughts, freedom from this burden. Freedom to worship, freedom to serve and freedom to run this race and claim my destiny! One song that has brought me a lot of comfort over the last few weeks is by Jeremy Camp. "There will be a day" Listen to the lyrics of this song and allow it to penetrate your heart.





Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

Romans 8:18 and 19 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. vs. 25: But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. (emphasis mine).

Earnest expectation! I love that. Beloved, this life is temporary. We are to keep our eyes set on the goal, and that is eternity in heaven with our risen Savior! It all makes this life seem a little more bearable. Go ahead and put your hope in His promise! Can you eagerly wait for it with perseverance? I know I can!

Forgiveness

The devil is on attack that is for sure. The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It's always rough for me when I go to visit my home town, but this weekend was especially difficult. I began to remember some child hood events that really cut deep. Some old wounds were broken open for me. Wounds that I thought were long healed. I began to remember some hurtful words said to me at different times over the years and the anger and bitterness began to boil within me. By the time the weekend was over, I was emotionally fatigued. I returned home to my husband a complete emotional angry mess.

I'm beginning to recognize a pattern. When I find myself in this "funk" of emotions, I become this unlovable person. Why you ask? I think it's because I don't feel worthy of love. I think I always felt that love was conditional and had to be earned. So when I've screwed up, somehow love just ceases. When I am feeling down on myself, the thoughts begin to creep in like sludge. Thoughts like, "Why would anyone love me?" "He doesn't truly love me, he just settled for me." (referring to my husband) "No one really loves me, I mean, who could? I can't love me." It becomes a vicious spiral that I can't seem to stop.

And the bitterness and anger towards a particular person breaks my heart. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I don't want this to ruin the relationship that we have nurtured and finally began to enjoy. Honestly, up until this last weekend, I thought I had truly forgiven. But if I did, how can I feel this way??

I'm reminded of my Savior's forgiveness for me. He sacrificed His own life to be able to forgive me. And my sin is as far as the east is from the west. It's wiped off the books as soon as I accepted Him as my Lord. He has forgotten. Shouldn't I in turn offer this same forgiveness to the one that has wronged me?


Lord, how do you do it?
How do you forgive?
Do you think that you can teach me
The perfect life you lived?

I've tried to pursue it,
I've tried to let love win.
But every time I seem to get close,
Another offense creeps in.

I've read your Word and know
the answer that you gave
A serious question by a serious man
Peter was his name.

He asked how many times should we forgive
a brother who sins against us.
He thought he'd give a hint of answer
in his seven times suggestion.

I think I can almost hear your voice,
your answer was so clear
Seventy times seven Peter
...forever my dear.

I can only imagine his feelings
after the answer that You gave.
My Lord, how do you do it?
Can you teach me to forgive?

(Matthew 18)