Forgiveness

The devil is on attack that is for sure. The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It's always rough for me when I go to visit my home town, but this weekend was especially difficult. I began to remember some child hood events that really cut deep. Some old wounds were broken open for me. Wounds that I thought were long healed. I began to remember some hurtful words said to me at different times over the years and the anger and bitterness began to boil within me. By the time the weekend was over, I was emotionally fatigued. I returned home to my husband a complete emotional angry mess.

I'm beginning to recognize a pattern. When I find myself in this "funk" of emotions, I become this unlovable person. Why you ask? I think it's because I don't feel worthy of love. I think I always felt that love was conditional and had to be earned. So when I've screwed up, somehow love just ceases. When I am feeling down on myself, the thoughts begin to creep in like sludge. Thoughts like, "Why would anyone love me?" "He doesn't truly love me, he just settled for me." (referring to my husband) "No one really loves me, I mean, who could? I can't love me." It becomes a vicious spiral that I can't seem to stop.

And the bitterness and anger towards a particular person breaks my heart. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I don't want this to ruin the relationship that we have nurtured and finally began to enjoy. Honestly, up until this last weekend, I thought I had truly forgiven. But if I did, how can I feel this way??

I'm reminded of my Savior's forgiveness for me. He sacrificed His own life to be able to forgive me. And my sin is as far as the east is from the west. It's wiped off the books as soon as I accepted Him as my Lord. He has forgotten. Shouldn't I in turn offer this same forgiveness to the one that has wronged me?


Lord, how do you do it?
How do you forgive?
Do you think that you can teach me
The perfect life you lived?

I've tried to pursue it,
I've tried to let love win.
But every time I seem to get close,
Another offense creeps in.

I've read your Word and know
the answer that you gave
A serious question by a serious man
Peter was his name.

He asked how many times should we forgive
a brother who sins against us.
He thought he'd give a hint of answer
in his seven times suggestion.

I think I can almost hear your voice,
your answer was so clear
Seventy times seven Peter
...forever my dear.

I can only imagine his feelings
after the answer that You gave.
My Lord, how do you do it?
Can you teach me to forgive?

(Matthew 18)