My aha moment!

Let me first off start by apologizing for my lack of posts lately. It has been a whirl wind 2 weeks and I have not taken the time to sit down and blog. But friends, God is still at work!
I am blessed with a church that has an amazing women's group. We have a great group of women that get together on a weekly basis to fellowship, laugh, eat and study God's word. Our latest study is a book entitled "NO OTHER GODS Confronting our modern-day idols" by Kelly Minter.


God has used this book to speak volumes to me about my life and about my anxiety. I came to a realization this week that is life-changing (done only in God's power of course). Let me see if I can explain. But beware, the aliens may have landed! (1 Peter 2:11)

Flashback:
When: About 5 years ago.
Where: A little town in Illinois.
What: A burden so strong and so powerful and so over-whelming that it almost crushed me.

I remember the day clearly. The circumstances are unimportant, but the conclusion is clear. I began to experience this astounding sense of fear and urgency for those that do not know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. He pierced my soul with such a burden that I could not keep still. My eyes were opened to scores of people who are on the road to hell and don't even know it. People that will take their last breath thinking they will enter into an eternity with the King only to find that their name is not in the Book of Life. (See Luke 13: 22-27) This sense of urgency began to consume me like a fire. I began to research mission organizations and just knew God was calling me and my husband to the mission field. Did I mention that he did not have the same call? This should have been my first clue to slow down and wait on God. Instead that fire I mentioned before began to choke out God's word and direction in my life. I began to plan and pave the path that I thought He wanted me to take. And at each dead end I became more frustrated, more tired and more confused than what I had ever been. I began to doubt it all. The whole thing. I must have made it up. God couldn't use me. There has to be someone better out there. Someone more equipped and qualified than me. (Red flag - I had entered enemy territory). It was at that time I asked Him to take it away from me. Take away this fear for the lost. Take away this sense of urgency. I don't want it. I can't handle it. And as soon as those words left my lips, it was gone. I felt at peace, I felt relieved and I didn't have to carry that burden around anymore.

Fast forward:
When: Today
Where: The comfort of my own living room.
What: That bible study I mentioned earlier. Week 2 day 4

The scripture reading was Exodus 24:12-18 where Moses ascends the mountain to retrieve the Ten Commandments. He's gone 40 days and 40 nights and sometime during that time, those dear people he lead out of Egypt.... you know, the ones who walked through the parted sea, saw water spill from a rock, were protected by God's Holy fire etc.....those people? Well, they decided that since Moses was nowhere to be found, the should just make a new god.

The NIV states it this way in Exodus 32:1b. They say to Aaron:
Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him. (emphasis mine).

So Aaron proceeds to have them take off their jewelry and melt it down to make a golden calf. He builds an altar and they arise the next morning to party and offer sacrifices to this lifeless statue.

Here's the aha! moment. Do you know where they got that gold? From God himself. (See Exodus 12:35-36). They turned their very gift from God into a god! All of a sudden, the above memories I shared with you began to flood my mind. Could I have taken a gift and turned it into something that took His place? (Have I mentioned that my anxiety is relatively new to me? I've only expereinced this thorn for about 4 years.) My friends, if God gave me that burden or "fear" as I've called it for the lost and I decided it wasn't for me, could I have transferred to practically everything under the sun because it had no other outlet? Because it wasn't being used for what God had intended? The answer I believe is yes. And I spent some time in prayer with my Father repenting for my actions.

Dear friends, do I think my anxiety is cured? Probably not. And honestly, it may just be my thorn to stay. But I can tell you I feel as though I've spent the last 4 years in the belly of a fish (yes, a Jonah reference) and I'm ready to begin my walk in the right direction breathing some fresh sea salt air! All in His timing of course!

Stop the insanity!!

Today has been one of those days. In dealing with anxiety, there are some days I feel like I am plugging along real well. I feel like a good Mom, I feel like a good wife, my housework is caught up, I have energy, my laundry is caught up....even if it's not all the way I'd like it to be, I seem to handle the little kinks in my schedule well. Today is not one of those days. I feel like I've been working all day and have not accomplished a thing! I also have been battling anxious and negative thoughts the last couple days. I was never really much of a drama queen in my teen age years, but I make up for it in my mind now that I'm in my 30's. Lately it's been "What if my van goes into a body of water and starts to fill up. What then? How will I get out? Forget about me, how will I get my kids out? We'll all drown." Did I happen to mention I don't even live near a body of water??
I also had a thought today about getting my hand caught in the garbage disposal. Who will I call first? How will I take care of my mangled fingers until someone shows up? Will I call 911 or just call my husband to come take me to a hospital? The book of Proverbs says an anxious heart weighs a man down. You ain't a kiddin'!

However the Psalmist says this: Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Dear Lord,
Search my heart. Know my anxious thoughts. Help me Lord to replace these thoughts with Words from You. Your works are mighty. Your love is unfailing. And your law is true and powerful.

Psalm 77:12
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Psalm 48:9
Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.

Joshua 1:8
Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. (One of my favorite verses)

Finally, I remember the words of Paul to the Philippians. (These are actually in my bathroom. I must have forgotten to look at them this morning through blurry eyes and before my first cup of fuel).

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Lord, help me to change my way of thinking. Only through you will I move past this time. I love you Lord. Amen

Know the enemy!

I've come to learn over the last couple days that I need to know the enemy. I mean, how can you fight the enemy if you can't predict his next move. The enemy I speak of? Satan himself. He knows exactly where to tempt us, exactly where to hit us to make us crumble. How does he know this? I believe he studies us. We have to be on guard and ready for battle.

Ephesians 6:10-13a says this:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground

Satan's basic plan is this: Distraction => Addiction => Destruction
He may use different tactics to get to the end result, but his ultimate goal is to see your demise.

If I can begin to recognize when I'm being distracted, I can stop satan's stronghold on my life. Being the first Sunday of the year, our pastor preached on Ephesians 5:15-17:

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

What stops me from making the most of every opportunity?? Sometimes sin, sometimes work, but sometimes, it's distraction. I may be even doing something good. Remember Mary and Martha? What Martha was doing (working in the kitchen to prepare a meal) was not a bad thing in and of itself, but she had chosen the wrong thing. She could have chosen to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear first hand the will of God for her life. I think Jesus would have been happy to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch but Martha became distracted with the preparation of the meal. Another thing that can make us miss our opportunity is possessions. We live in an information over-load society. We have cell phones, e-mail, laptops, internet access, texting, DVR... the list goes on and on. We can miss out on life and the important things just because we're trying to keep up on everything.

Paul issues another warning in Ephesians 4:18-19

18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

We must be sensitive to where our weaknesses are. Satan is ready to seek and destroy at the first opportunity we give him. We have to be on guard. Be aware. Be ready for battle at all times. I'm reminded of a soldier on watch. He can not afford to snooze or take a break. The safety of his unit he is in charge of protecting depends on it. In the same token, we have to constantly be looking for Satan lurking around every corner. Only then can we be ready when the forces come.

If we go back to the Armor of God for just a little bit, we will see that the only weapon we have against an attack is the sword of the Spirit, or the word of God.

Hebrews 4:12 says: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Memorized scripture will help us to defeat the enemy every time. Every Wednesday we will have Hide the Word Wednesday (Job 22:22) where we will begin to memorize a new scripture every week in the hopes of having just a little more ammo against that dreaded enemy.

Dear Lord,
So many times I feel I wake up in the middle of battle. Help me to recognize and withstand the attack before the battle begins. I thank you Lord for guiding me to see where I have failed to put on Your armor daily. The days are evil Lord, and only through You will I be victorious. I love you Lord and I thank you for working in my life. Amen.

And so it begins...

Here I am again broken and tired lying at my Master's feet. I desperately want to stay in His presence but somehow I find myself so far away that I can barely see His Light. I am desperate to get better and the only way I can do that is through the love and care of my Savior. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have a lot of emotional issues from my past to sift through. This is my journey to get well.

My Master's Hands are so precious to me. They knitted me in my mother's womb. They know me inside and out. They hold every tear I've ever cried. They are kind and gentle when I need direction. They are firm yet loving when I need guidance. They cradle me me when I'm scared, praise me when I've done well and hold me up when I'm weary and broken. It is these hands that have continued to carry me through the years. Times of jubilation and times of heartache. They never fail to catch me when I fall. They even hold on tight when I try desperately to wriggle from their grasp. In my Master's Hands I have faith, hope, love and peace. In these Hands I want to remain. I believe He still has a plan for my life. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. " (NLT)

I have found that when I keep a journal and stay in His Word I seem to do better handling the stresses in my life. Since I have 2 children and a husband, it is much harder for me to pen my feelings on paper than what it is to type them out on my laptop. I also thought that maybe my struggles can be just what someone else out there needs to hear so they don't feel alone. You my readers out there are my accountability to stay the course. Thank you for seeing me off on this journey. I'll keep you updated and hope to rejoice with you soon.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Dear Lord,
You are an Awesome God. You have been with me every step of the way through this journey thus far. I ask that you allow me the privilege of remaining in your Hands. You have not given up on me Lord and for that I thank you. I give my marriage, my husband, my children and my life over to you. You made this sinful shell of a person and Lord, only you can fix it. I am asking You to give me endurance and encouragement. Sustain me through this time Lord and like the refiners fire allow me to come out on the other side reflecting more of You. I don't know why you have allowed this in my life, but Lord, do with it as You will. I only ask for You to get the glory. In your precious, Holy name I pray. Amen