Hope

Well, let's see, it's been awhile. I have had so much going on over the last few weeks emotionally, that I just couldn't seem to pick up the laptop and write my feelings down. There were times I thought about it, but the task just seemed too draining.


I think my last post on forgiveness has weighed me down. I have had a hard time letting some things go. I know it's wrong, I know I should forgive, but sometimes feelings don't follow the mind.


Of course, God is not satisfied at leaving me where I am. He is working. He is faithful and sovereign and has begun a work to change me. Over the last few weeks, our ladies group at church has started an in-depth bible study on the book of Esther. It is a Beth Moore study entitled: Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman. Oh, how true that is! The remarkable part of Esther's story, is that she had a destiny that God had called her to. She rose up to the challenge despite her circumstances and lives were changed. "For such a time as this" the scriptures say. But it doesn't just end with Esther. We are all called to a destiny. I wholeheartedly believe there is a reason we are on this earth at this time, in this place.

After being so weighed down emotionally over the last few weeks, I left Thursday night bible study feeling uplifted by prayers. As I was driving home, I began to feel an awesome presence of my Lord. One way He chooses to speak to me is through song. And boy, were they coming at me that night. I began to pray for freedom. Freedom from my anger, freedom from my thoughts, freedom from this burden. Freedom to worship, freedom to serve and freedom to run this race and claim my destiny! One song that has brought me a lot of comfort over the last few weeks is by Jeremy Camp. "There will be a day" Listen to the lyrics of this song and allow it to penetrate your heart.





Revelation 21:4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.

Romans 8:18 and 19 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. vs. 25: But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. (emphasis mine).

Earnest expectation! I love that. Beloved, this life is temporary. We are to keep our eyes set on the goal, and that is eternity in heaven with our risen Savior! It all makes this life seem a little more bearable. Go ahead and put your hope in His promise! Can you eagerly wait for it with perseverance? I know I can!

Hide the Word Wednesday - God's patience

2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but
everyone to come to repentance.

Hello friends. We are on week 5 of Hide the Word. I hope that this has proven to be a blessing to you. I have enjoyed it. Let's keep up the good work!

Forgiveness

The devil is on attack that is for sure. The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It's always rough for me when I go to visit my home town, but this weekend was especially difficult. I began to remember some child hood events that really cut deep. Some old wounds were broken open for me. Wounds that I thought were long healed. I began to remember some hurtful words said to me at different times over the years and the anger and bitterness began to boil within me. By the time the weekend was over, I was emotionally fatigued. I returned home to my husband a complete emotional angry mess.

I'm beginning to recognize a pattern. When I find myself in this "funk" of emotions, I become this unlovable person. Why you ask? I think it's because I don't feel worthy of love. I think I always felt that love was conditional and had to be earned. So when I've screwed up, somehow love just ceases. When I am feeling down on myself, the thoughts begin to creep in like sludge. Thoughts like, "Why would anyone love me?" "He doesn't truly love me, he just settled for me." (referring to my husband) "No one really loves me, I mean, who could? I can't love me." It becomes a vicious spiral that I can't seem to stop.

And the bitterness and anger towards a particular person breaks my heart. I don't want to feel this way anymore. And I don't want this to ruin the relationship that we have nurtured and finally began to enjoy. Honestly, up until this last weekend, I thought I had truly forgiven. But if I did, how can I feel this way??

I'm reminded of my Savior's forgiveness for me. He sacrificed His own life to be able to forgive me. And my sin is as far as the east is from the west. It's wiped off the books as soon as I accepted Him as my Lord. He has forgotten. Shouldn't I in turn offer this same forgiveness to the one that has wronged me?


Lord, how do you do it?
How do you forgive?
Do you think that you can teach me
The perfect life you lived?

I've tried to pursue it,
I've tried to let love win.
But every time I seem to get close,
Another offense creeps in.

I've read your Word and know
the answer that you gave
A serious question by a serious man
Peter was his name.

He asked how many times should we forgive
a brother who sins against us.
He thought he'd give a hint of answer
in his seven times suggestion.

I think I can almost hear your voice,
your answer was so clear
Seventy times seven Peter
...forever my dear.

I can only imagine his feelings
after the answer that You gave.
My Lord, how do you do it?
Can you teach me to forgive?

(Matthew 18)

Hide the Word today!

I'm a little late this week. This week is a short one, so if you're like me and fell a little behind with the one for last week, we can work together to get caught up! This verse tells us a little about the characteristics of our loving God. This one is a good one for the memory file when we begin to falter in our faith of Who God is.

Spring break is this next week. I'm excited about being able to visit my parents this weekend and having some family time this next week with the kiddos. Take time and enjoy your family and your Lord this week!

Exodus 34:6
And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness

Hide the Word Wednesday - a little late

Sorry for the delay. I got busy yesterday and forgot to update. Brace yourselves folks, because this is a long one, but I know we can do it! We'll even take an extra day!


Isaiah 6:1-5

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."

4 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

5 "Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."


This is one of my favorite passages of the bible. It really reveals a lot about God's Holiness. And it revealed to me what it really means to fear God. God is holy and we are unworthy of His love. As Isaiah says he is a man of unclean lips. The Message sates it like this in verse 5:
I'm as good as dead!
Every word I've ever spoken is tainted—
blasphemous even!
And the people I live with talk the same way,
using words that corrupt and desecrate.
And here I've looked God in the face!

Can you imagine with me if you will, what it would be like to see the Lord seated high on His throne in all His splendor. Where the angels sing so loud and with such authority for Him that it shakes the very ground you stand on. Imagine with me also that like Isaiah, you begin to see your imperfections, your flaws, your sin just laid out before the Lord Almighty. Such an experience made Isaiah so ashamed that he could not even fathom that he was able to look God in the face. And he said he was as good as dead, or maybe in that moment, he just wanted to be.

I think all too often we either hide or even ignore our sin because we have forgotten that at all times it is laid out before our Holy God. I can remember people talking about fearing God and that just did not make any sense to me. Why should I fear my loving Father? Forgive me for this analogy, but I think I almost pictured him as this Grand-pappy in heaven sitting on his porch in his rocking chair shaking His head about what stunt I had just pulled. But my friends, God is real! He is Holy! He does judge! And we are not worthy of His love. That's what makes His love so special! He chooses to give it to us anyway. Remember our verse from last week??This is love: Not that we love God; but that He loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
What we have to offer to Him is but filthy rags, it's what He offers to us.

The next few verses are my favorite in this book. As soon as those words of repentance left Isaiah's lips, he was cleansed by the angel with a live (hot) coal! And the Lord asks, "whom shall I send?" and Isaiah replies "Here am I. Send me!" The Lord then gave Isaiah a message for His people. Girl, that gives me goose bumps! That our Holy God still wants to fill us with a message! He can still use us if we are willing to be obedient to His call.

Think about God's Holiness this week as we learn these 5 verses. Begin to truly understand Who the God we serve really is. He calls Himself the Great I Am. Because He's holy, just, righteous, worthy....basically I AM (fill in the blank)...because He just IS!

Hide the Word Wednesday #2

God's love

1 John 4:10
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Remember to review our previous verses each day as we learn this one. I wanted to go ahead and get this posted so we are not behind. I may expand on this verse a little later this week. Keep up the good work and if you're behind, do not be discouraged! This week will be better for you!

Spring is here!

Winters in the mid-west, can sometimes be too long for me. The land seems to lie dormant for months. The trees are bare, and the landscape appears dead. But lying just below the surface of the ground, just out of view, nature is at work. And about this time of year, new life begins to emerge. I love taking a walk in a wooded area just as spring is beginning. The leaves from fall still cover the ground and have grown brown and soft from the long winter. But if you look closely, you'll begin to see new tender shoots, little white wild flowers and buds beginning on the trees. It always amazes me that these delicate small new plants, push their way through the mud, muck and mire, and stand tall and strong against the dark and dismal landscape.

I wonder if God is in the middle of doing a new work in you. Do your surroundings seem to be dark and dismal? Has it been awhile since you've heard a fresh Word from Him? Beloved, God is still at work.

Ecclesiastes 11:5 says As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. I particularly like how The Message states it: Just as you'll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you'll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.

We may not always understand the work of God. It may be a mystery; just out of view in this season of your life. But Beloved, take heed! He is at work! Remain rooted in Him and you will emerge from the mud, muck and mire, a new creation in Him!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians, 5:17

Stand firm!

After my husband and I got married (8 years ago in July), we headed to Virginia Beach to honeymoon. We spent about 3 days on the beach, and 2 of those days the beach was closed due to huge surf and under tow. Bummer! But being young twenty-somethings, that didn't stop us! After the life guards would leave the beach around 4:30pm, we headed out to the dangerous waters. We were less than 10 yards from shore, where the water would be just below the knee. Then a huge wave would swallow us and we couldn't even stand! When the water would flee, we were disoriented and turned around. We really had no business being out there at all, and were very lucky to not be swept away.

I was reminded of our time in Virginia Beach this week. I have felt lately that sometimes I am with-standing the Devil's attacks, and then all of a sudden without warning I am swallowed in sin and helplessness. I feel as though I'm drowning and close to being swept away from my God's mighty hand. Have you ever felt as though you're drowning in sin and disobedience and this time God just can not rescue you? Psalm 103 says otherwise.

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
(emphasis mine)

I was reminded of a song from Casting Crowns, East to West. Read these lyrics and let them penetrate your heart.

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Chorus:
Jesus can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Chorus:

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Chorus:

Just how far, east is from the west
Just how far, one scarred hand to the other
You know just how far, just how far east is from west
Just how far, from one scarred hand to the other


God is compassionate. Where we can not forget, He can. Where compassion is a struggle for us, He has an over abundance. Will you rest in Him today? Will you believe His promises that you can stand before Him white as snow, blameless in His sight?
Remember our verse this week:
Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Psalm 34:8.

I love the word takes in this verse. It is available to you. Just grab hold! Take refuge in Him and let Him cover you with the saving grace of His mercy!

Hide the Word Wednesday

OK friends, I promised we would be doing this and the time is now. I believe memorized scripture is so important, and something I have failed at miserably. But I believe if it is stored away in our memory banks, God will use it at the perfect time to minister to our needs, whatever they may be at the time. We can also use them to minister to others. And as I used to remind the youth in our church: right now we live in a free country. We can at anytime pick up our Bible's as reference for our needs as well as our pleasure. But there may be a time where this freedom is not ours to have. Not every person in every country has this freedom without facing certain death. If there would ever be a time when our Lord's precious Words of instruction were not available to us, they could never take away what was already in our hearts and minds.

So here are a few tips to help you get started.
#1 - Make a plan - if you do not make a commitment it probably won't happen.
#2 - Find a friend to keep you accountable - You'll always have me. We can encourage each other as we go along.
#3 - Pray about it. God will lead you to obedience if this is what He wants for your life.

Finally, follow this method. On day 1, read the passage aloud 10 times, then say it 10 times with out looking. On day 2, repeat it 10 times looking only if you have to. Then repeat the verse daily for the rest of the week. Use the same format each week but also repeat each previously memorized verse once daily. You may also want to use index cards.

Drop me a little line on here if you want to commit to hiding His Word. I'll be praying for you as we go along on this journey. And if you have any tips for the rest of us, do share! :)

Week #1 - God's goodness

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8

Don't you just love this verse? I think it was written especially for us women. Anything that has to do with taste or food immediately grabs my attention for some reason! When I hear the word refuge I usually think to flee for protection. But it can also mean to put trust in God or to confide or hope in God. Is He truly your refuge? Do you trust Him with all aspects of your life or are you holding something back? Do you confide in Him all your hopes, fears, dreams and failures? I encourage you this week as you meditate on this verse, to not only memorize it, but to believe it. For He IS good!

But God is faithful!!

Romans 5: 1-5 (NIV)
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.


This video was a part of our sermon this past Sunday. It spoke volumes to me and I want to share it with you.



There are times in life when we are dealt the unexpected. Losing a job. Losing a loved one. A failing marriage. Cancer or other health concern. The list can go on and on. Our challenge comes in how we handle our unexpected. And you don't have to be in a deep pit of sin to experience a trial in your life. The bible is weaved with great examples of those doing the right thing and still experiencing an unexpected. Job 1:1 states Job was blameless and upright. A man who feared God and shunned evil. Mary and Martha when Lazarus died. Hannah and Samuel.

Remember when life brings you the unexpected:
1. Do not take anything for granted.
Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

2. God's love penetrates the unexpected.
Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

3. God is refining you.
Zachariah 13:9 This third I will bring into the fire;
I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, 'They are my people,'
and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.' "

I once learned that when the refiners would refine sliver, they knew it was done in the fire when you could see your reflection in it. When all the impurities and flaws were melted away and all that was left was the pure reflective ore. In the same token, God allows us to go through the fire He is burning all the impurities and flaws out of our lives. He is allowing us to become so pure that all we can do is be a reflection of Him.

4. We don't know the outcome, but we can expect it to be good.
Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
There are times in my life where I felt broken and hopeless. But as I look back now, I see where God was still there and He was still working. This is where our faith is tested. It's hard to believe in the future when it is uncertain, but according to Hebrews 12:2 God is the author and perfecter of our faith. He knows the outcome and He is in control in the chaos.

5. You can't make it on your own.
Philippians 4:10-14
I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

How many times in life do we lay it down on the altar of God only to pick it back up and carry it ourselves? We can not do it without the help of our Lord. I personally believe contentment is not possible apart from God himself. The world can not supply our needs, a person can not supply our needs, a job, a child, material things, can not supply our needs. (relational, spiritual, or even physical needs). Only God is all sufficient.

6. Time; it is God's.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

God's timing is perfect. There are times in my life when I want it right now. We are a right now society. Now, now now. But God is always teaching us to wait upon Him. I can site many examples in my life where things did not work out in the time I had wanted but they worked out in God's time and hindsight shows He was right all along.

7. God is faithful.
Psalm 146: 5-6
Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God, the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
the LORD, who remains faithful forever.

The Lord keeps His promises. He is faithful. He proves himself over and over. He is unchanged. He is our hope. He is our song. He is Maker of heaven and earth. He is our "I am". I love that name He gives Himself: I am. You can fill the blank with anything. I am ________. And He just is.

What ever your unexpected, whatever your trial. Whatever season of life you are in right now....this too shall pass. God will lead you through to the other side and you will be victorious. Our pastor challenged us to write our unexpected on a helium balloon. (He had them all around the sanctuary). But to write it like this:

I am thankful for ___________.

I had 2 this season of my life. I am thankful for my anxiety. And I am thankful for my neck. (I seem to have done something to my neck. It is stiff and sore for going on 3 days now. It hurts to speak, it hurts to swallow my food. The pain is beginning to radiate into my arm on occasion.) Lately I have not been immune to the devil's attacks in my life. He is firing at me on all sides. But through the pain, through the anxiety, through the death of my husband's grandfather... I choose to praise His name. I choose to be thankful for these trials. I choose to stand in the Lord's army with the full armor of God. I choose to because I know He is faithful and this too shall pass!

I'm still here

Forgive me my dear friends for not keeping up with this as I have intended. I'm still here. Let me get you caught up.

First, let's just say that yes my anxiety is still a kickin' inside. This last Thursday was a trial. The week before a friend of mine and I made plans to meet at the Children's Museum for a day of fun with the kids. (She has 2 boys). My anxiety kicked in big time, even before we left the drive way! My daughter had a pop tart for breakfast and had not quite finished it before we left the house. I told her she could take it with her. Well, I'm not quite sure how this happened, but somewhere between the front door and the van, it disentigrated into a million pieces. She was so sticky! There was not a single piece that could be salvaged. They were tiny! I told her we needed to get rid of it and I threw what I could manage to pick up in the yard. She was kinda disappointed but was OK. (She had already had breakfast, this was a bonus). My son on the other hand threw this massive fit and began to yell to me that his dear sister NEEDED that pop tart. His outbursts are sometimes more than I can handle. What does he care? And he's only 4. What give him the right to be so bossy and difficult. I reprimanded him for his attitude and for yelling at his mother and got them strapped in the car. That moment should have been my first clue of how the day was going to proceed. I was angry and on edge basically the entire ride there. I was also late (after getting out the door on time. How does that happen?) Anyway, my friend was late too so it all worked out. We finally arrive to our destination and my daughter proudly exclaims she has dirtied her diaper. I decided to change her pants in the van. I dig around in my bag to find the wipes (that I had refilled just that morning) and could not find them anywhere. After a frantic call to my husband I found I had left the box on my kitchen counter. So now I have a kid with a poopy diaper and no wipes to be found anywhere. I tried to call my friend to find out if on the off chance she had brought some (both of her kids are potty trained) and could not reach her at all. We finally make it into the museum and find my friend. She did have wipes. I took my daughter to the bathroom to change her only to find that she is NOT poopy at all. All of that anxiety inducing stress for nothing. Things did not get any better. My son was in a terrible mood. He would not listen or stay with me. He refused to participate in some of the activities. My daughter kept getting off of the elevator on the wrong floors (3 times!!) and I had to literally chase her down to get back on. I was so afraid the doors would close and we would leave her on the wrong floor by herself. That would not get me the "Mother of the Year" award, that's for sure!! During lunch, I somehow cut my thumb with my own fingernail at lunch and bled all over the piece of cheese I was going to give to my friends boys (We laughed about this later but at the time I could have ran screaming from the lunch room). And come to find out my friend had had just about as terrible of morning as I had had and she had been hoping when we got together I would bring a calming presence (her words not mine). HAHA! Sorry friend! Not today! I finally made it through the entire day and hit my pillow that night totally mentally exhausted. I felt as though the devil was on the attack and my defenses were down!

That was Thursday. Now Friday, my son had a Valentine's Party at school. In dealing with anxiety, sometimes large crowds of people (especially where I am expected to participate or talk one on one with strangers) is not my thing. I so did not want to go to this party. But I remembered my child hood where my Mom would decline these things for me and how disappointed I would sometimes be. I decided to swallow my pride and just go even if I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I met one of David's classmates mom's. She was so sweet. We got to talking and I found out she was looking for a church. Her and her husband are recently seperated and the church she had been attending with him she just didn't feel comfortable at anymore (I guess he still goes there). I invited her to our Mom's group that is currently meeting at my house. She seemed interested but she works full time so she wasn't sure if she could make it. I also told her about David's birthday party. She is going to try and come to that for sure. She was extremely nice and gave me her ph#'s and e-mails. I believe God had a divine appointement between her and I. I've been praying for her and her son. I'm so glad that I did not allow Satan to use this anxiety thing to keep me from doing God's work in my life.

In fact, I've begun to see a pattern lately. There's another woman from David's school that I hope to get to know a little better. I'm not quite sure on her background, but I have begun to pray for her and her son too. I've also gotten back into contact with an old friend from high school as well that has shared with me some deep hurtful things she is currently dealing with in her relationships. I'm not sure what, if anything I can offer to these women but a listening ear and a word of encouragement. But I can tell you that God is alive. God is still working. And He is going to move in these women's lives in a mighty way. I am excited to see what He is going to do. And if He can use this humble servant in any way, I am willing and ready to do whatever it is to help these precious women draw closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for using me inspite of who I am. I'm reminded of Jacob and Esau in Genesis 25. You used the weak to lead the strong. Thank you for using me inspite of this sinful body and mind. I give my anxiety, my unexpected, all to You! In your precious glorious Name, Amen.

(99 balloons. More on this tomorrow my dear friends. Stay tuned!)

My aha moment!

Let me first off start by apologizing for my lack of posts lately. It has been a whirl wind 2 weeks and I have not taken the time to sit down and blog. But friends, God is still at work!
I am blessed with a church that has an amazing women's group. We have a great group of women that get together on a weekly basis to fellowship, laugh, eat and study God's word. Our latest study is a book entitled "NO OTHER GODS Confronting our modern-day idols" by Kelly Minter.


God has used this book to speak volumes to me about my life and about my anxiety. I came to a realization this week that is life-changing (done only in God's power of course). Let me see if I can explain. But beware, the aliens may have landed! (1 Peter 2:11)

Flashback:
When: About 5 years ago.
Where: A little town in Illinois.
What: A burden so strong and so powerful and so over-whelming that it almost crushed me.

I remember the day clearly. The circumstances are unimportant, but the conclusion is clear. I began to experience this astounding sense of fear and urgency for those that do not know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. He pierced my soul with such a burden that I could not keep still. My eyes were opened to scores of people who are on the road to hell and don't even know it. People that will take their last breath thinking they will enter into an eternity with the King only to find that their name is not in the Book of Life. (See Luke 13: 22-27) This sense of urgency began to consume me like a fire. I began to research mission organizations and just knew God was calling me and my husband to the mission field. Did I mention that he did not have the same call? This should have been my first clue to slow down and wait on God. Instead that fire I mentioned before began to choke out God's word and direction in my life. I began to plan and pave the path that I thought He wanted me to take. And at each dead end I became more frustrated, more tired and more confused than what I had ever been. I began to doubt it all. The whole thing. I must have made it up. God couldn't use me. There has to be someone better out there. Someone more equipped and qualified than me. (Red flag - I had entered enemy territory). It was at that time I asked Him to take it away from me. Take away this fear for the lost. Take away this sense of urgency. I don't want it. I can't handle it. And as soon as those words left my lips, it was gone. I felt at peace, I felt relieved and I didn't have to carry that burden around anymore.

Fast forward:
When: Today
Where: The comfort of my own living room.
What: That bible study I mentioned earlier. Week 2 day 4

The scripture reading was Exodus 24:12-18 where Moses ascends the mountain to retrieve the Ten Commandments. He's gone 40 days and 40 nights and sometime during that time, those dear people he lead out of Egypt.... you know, the ones who walked through the parted sea, saw water spill from a rock, were protected by God's Holy fire etc.....those people? Well, they decided that since Moses was nowhere to be found, the should just make a new god.

The NIV states it this way in Exodus 32:1b. They say to Aaron:
Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him. (emphasis mine).

So Aaron proceeds to have them take off their jewelry and melt it down to make a golden calf. He builds an altar and they arise the next morning to party and offer sacrifices to this lifeless statue.

Here's the aha! moment. Do you know where they got that gold? From God himself. (See Exodus 12:35-36). They turned their very gift from God into a god! All of a sudden, the above memories I shared with you began to flood my mind. Could I have taken a gift and turned it into something that took His place? (Have I mentioned that my anxiety is relatively new to me? I've only expereinced this thorn for about 4 years.) My friends, if God gave me that burden or "fear" as I've called it for the lost and I decided it wasn't for me, could I have transferred to practically everything under the sun because it had no other outlet? Because it wasn't being used for what God had intended? The answer I believe is yes. And I spent some time in prayer with my Father repenting for my actions.

Dear friends, do I think my anxiety is cured? Probably not. And honestly, it may just be my thorn to stay. But I can tell you I feel as though I've spent the last 4 years in the belly of a fish (yes, a Jonah reference) and I'm ready to begin my walk in the right direction breathing some fresh sea salt air! All in His timing of course!

Stop the insanity!!

Today has been one of those days. In dealing with anxiety, there are some days I feel like I am plugging along real well. I feel like a good Mom, I feel like a good wife, my housework is caught up, I have energy, my laundry is caught up....even if it's not all the way I'd like it to be, I seem to handle the little kinks in my schedule well. Today is not one of those days. I feel like I've been working all day and have not accomplished a thing! I also have been battling anxious and negative thoughts the last couple days. I was never really much of a drama queen in my teen age years, but I make up for it in my mind now that I'm in my 30's. Lately it's been "What if my van goes into a body of water and starts to fill up. What then? How will I get out? Forget about me, how will I get my kids out? We'll all drown." Did I happen to mention I don't even live near a body of water??
I also had a thought today about getting my hand caught in the garbage disposal. Who will I call first? How will I take care of my mangled fingers until someone shows up? Will I call 911 or just call my husband to come take me to a hospital? The book of Proverbs says an anxious heart weighs a man down. You ain't a kiddin'!

However the Psalmist says this: Psalm 139:23
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Dear Lord,
Search my heart. Know my anxious thoughts. Help me Lord to replace these thoughts with Words from You. Your works are mighty. Your love is unfailing. And your law is true and powerful.

Psalm 77:12
I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Psalm 48:9
Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.

Joshua 1:8
Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. (One of my favorite verses)

Finally, I remember the words of Paul to the Philippians. (These are actually in my bathroom. I must have forgotten to look at them this morning through blurry eyes and before my first cup of fuel).

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Lord, help me to change my way of thinking. Only through you will I move past this time. I love you Lord. Amen

Know the enemy!

I've come to learn over the last couple days that I need to know the enemy. I mean, how can you fight the enemy if you can't predict his next move. The enemy I speak of? Satan himself. He knows exactly where to tempt us, exactly where to hit us to make us crumble. How does he know this? I believe he studies us. We have to be on guard and ready for battle.

Ephesians 6:10-13a says this:

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground

Satan's basic plan is this: Distraction => Addiction => Destruction
He may use different tactics to get to the end result, but his ultimate goal is to see your demise.

If I can begin to recognize when I'm being distracted, I can stop satan's stronghold on my life. Being the first Sunday of the year, our pastor preached on Ephesians 5:15-17:

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

What stops me from making the most of every opportunity?? Sometimes sin, sometimes work, but sometimes, it's distraction. I may be even doing something good. Remember Mary and Martha? What Martha was doing (working in the kitchen to prepare a meal) was not a bad thing in and of itself, but she had chosen the wrong thing. She could have chosen to sit at the feet of Jesus and hear first hand the will of God for her life. I think Jesus would have been happy to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch but Martha became distracted with the preparation of the meal. Another thing that can make us miss our opportunity is possessions. We live in an information over-load society. We have cell phones, e-mail, laptops, internet access, texting, DVR... the list goes on and on. We can miss out on life and the important things just because we're trying to keep up on everything.

Paul issues another warning in Ephesians 4:18-19

18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

We must be sensitive to where our weaknesses are. Satan is ready to seek and destroy at the first opportunity we give him. We have to be on guard. Be aware. Be ready for battle at all times. I'm reminded of a soldier on watch. He can not afford to snooze or take a break. The safety of his unit he is in charge of protecting depends on it. In the same token, we have to constantly be looking for Satan lurking around every corner. Only then can we be ready when the forces come.

If we go back to the Armor of God for just a little bit, we will see that the only weapon we have against an attack is the sword of the Spirit, or the word of God.

Hebrews 4:12 says: For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Memorized scripture will help us to defeat the enemy every time. Every Wednesday we will have Hide the Word Wednesday (Job 22:22) where we will begin to memorize a new scripture every week in the hopes of having just a little more ammo against that dreaded enemy.

Dear Lord,
So many times I feel I wake up in the middle of battle. Help me to recognize and withstand the attack before the battle begins. I thank you Lord for guiding me to see where I have failed to put on Your armor daily. The days are evil Lord, and only through You will I be victorious. I love you Lord and I thank you for working in my life. Amen.

And so it begins...

Here I am again broken and tired lying at my Master's feet. I desperately want to stay in His presence but somehow I find myself so far away that I can barely see His Light. I am desperate to get better and the only way I can do that is through the love and care of my Savior. I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have a lot of emotional issues from my past to sift through. This is my journey to get well.

My Master's Hands are so precious to me. They knitted me in my mother's womb. They know me inside and out. They hold every tear I've ever cried. They are kind and gentle when I need direction. They are firm yet loving when I need guidance. They cradle me me when I'm scared, praise me when I've done well and hold me up when I'm weary and broken. It is these hands that have continued to carry me through the years. Times of jubilation and times of heartache. They never fail to catch me when I fall. They even hold on tight when I try desperately to wriggle from their grasp. In my Master's Hands I have faith, hope, love and peace. In these Hands I want to remain. I believe He still has a plan for my life. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. " (NLT)

I have found that when I keep a journal and stay in His Word I seem to do better handling the stresses in my life. Since I have 2 children and a husband, it is much harder for me to pen my feelings on paper than what it is to type them out on my laptop. I also thought that maybe my struggles can be just what someone else out there needs to hear so they don't feel alone. You my readers out there are my accountability to stay the course. Thank you for seeing me off on this journey. I'll keep you updated and hope to rejoice with you soon.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Dear Lord,
You are an Awesome God. You have been with me every step of the way through this journey thus far. I ask that you allow me the privilege of remaining in your Hands. You have not given up on me Lord and for that I thank you. I give my marriage, my husband, my children and my life over to you. You made this sinful shell of a person and Lord, only you can fix it. I am asking You to give me endurance and encouragement. Sustain me through this time Lord and like the refiners fire allow me to come out on the other side reflecting more of You. I don't know why you have allowed this in my life, but Lord, do with it as You will. I only ask for You to get the glory. In your precious, Holy name I pray. Amen