I'm still here

Forgive me my dear friends for not keeping up with this as I have intended. I'm still here. Let me get you caught up.

First, let's just say that yes my anxiety is still a kickin' inside. This last Thursday was a trial. The week before a friend of mine and I made plans to meet at the Children's Museum for a day of fun with the kids. (She has 2 boys). My anxiety kicked in big time, even before we left the drive way! My daughter had a pop tart for breakfast and had not quite finished it before we left the house. I told her she could take it with her. Well, I'm not quite sure how this happened, but somewhere between the front door and the van, it disentigrated into a million pieces. She was so sticky! There was not a single piece that could be salvaged. They were tiny! I told her we needed to get rid of it and I threw what I could manage to pick up in the yard. She was kinda disappointed but was OK. (She had already had breakfast, this was a bonus). My son on the other hand threw this massive fit and began to yell to me that his dear sister NEEDED that pop tart. His outbursts are sometimes more than I can handle. What does he care? And he's only 4. What give him the right to be so bossy and difficult. I reprimanded him for his attitude and for yelling at his mother and got them strapped in the car. That moment should have been my first clue of how the day was going to proceed. I was angry and on edge basically the entire ride there. I was also late (after getting out the door on time. How does that happen?) Anyway, my friend was late too so it all worked out. We finally arrive to our destination and my daughter proudly exclaims she has dirtied her diaper. I decided to change her pants in the van. I dig around in my bag to find the wipes (that I had refilled just that morning) and could not find them anywhere. After a frantic call to my husband I found I had left the box on my kitchen counter. So now I have a kid with a poopy diaper and no wipes to be found anywhere. I tried to call my friend to find out if on the off chance she had brought some (both of her kids are potty trained) and could not reach her at all. We finally make it into the museum and find my friend. She did have wipes. I took my daughter to the bathroom to change her only to find that she is NOT poopy at all. All of that anxiety inducing stress for nothing. Things did not get any better. My son was in a terrible mood. He would not listen or stay with me. He refused to participate in some of the activities. My daughter kept getting off of the elevator on the wrong floors (3 times!!) and I had to literally chase her down to get back on. I was so afraid the doors would close and we would leave her on the wrong floor by herself. That would not get me the "Mother of the Year" award, that's for sure!! During lunch, I somehow cut my thumb with my own fingernail at lunch and bled all over the piece of cheese I was going to give to my friends boys (We laughed about this later but at the time I could have ran screaming from the lunch room). And come to find out my friend had had just about as terrible of morning as I had had and she had been hoping when we got together I would bring a calming presence (her words not mine). HAHA! Sorry friend! Not today! I finally made it through the entire day and hit my pillow that night totally mentally exhausted. I felt as though the devil was on the attack and my defenses were down!

That was Thursday. Now Friday, my son had a Valentine's Party at school. In dealing with anxiety, sometimes large crowds of people (especially where I am expected to participate or talk one on one with strangers) is not my thing. I so did not want to go to this party. But I remembered my child hood where my Mom would decline these things for me and how disappointed I would sometimes be. I decided to swallow my pride and just go even if I didn't want to. I am so glad I did. I met one of David's classmates mom's. She was so sweet. We got to talking and I found out she was looking for a church. Her and her husband are recently seperated and the church she had been attending with him she just didn't feel comfortable at anymore (I guess he still goes there). I invited her to our Mom's group that is currently meeting at my house. She seemed interested but she works full time so she wasn't sure if she could make it. I also told her about David's birthday party. She is going to try and come to that for sure. She was extremely nice and gave me her ph#'s and e-mails. I believe God had a divine appointement between her and I. I've been praying for her and her son. I'm so glad that I did not allow Satan to use this anxiety thing to keep me from doing God's work in my life.

In fact, I've begun to see a pattern lately. There's another woman from David's school that I hope to get to know a little better. I'm not quite sure on her background, but I have begun to pray for her and her son too. I've also gotten back into contact with an old friend from high school as well that has shared with me some deep hurtful things she is currently dealing with in her relationships. I'm not sure what, if anything I can offer to these women but a listening ear and a word of encouragement. But I can tell you that God is alive. God is still working. And He is going to move in these women's lives in a mighty way. I am excited to see what He is going to do. And if He can use this humble servant in any way, I am willing and ready to do whatever it is to help these precious women draw closer to Him.

Thank you Lord for using me inspite of who I am. I'm reminded of Jacob and Esau in Genesis 25. You used the weak to lead the strong. Thank you for using me inspite of this sinful body and mind. I give my anxiety, my unexpected, all to You! In your precious glorious Name, Amen.

(99 balloons. More on this tomorrow my dear friends. Stay tuned!)