My aha moment!

Let me first off start by apologizing for my lack of posts lately. It has been a whirl wind 2 weeks and I have not taken the time to sit down and blog. But friends, God is still at work!
I am blessed with a church that has an amazing women's group. We have a great group of women that get together on a weekly basis to fellowship, laugh, eat and study God's word. Our latest study is a book entitled "NO OTHER GODS Confronting our modern-day idols" by Kelly Minter.


God has used this book to speak volumes to me about my life and about my anxiety. I came to a realization this week that is life-changing (done only in God's power of course). Let me see if I can explain. But beware, the aliens may have landed! (1 Peter 2:11)

Flashback:
When: About 5 years ago.
Where: A little town in Illinois.
What: A burden so strong and so powerful and so over-whelming that it almost crushed me.

I remember the day clearly. The circumstances are unimportant, but the conclusion is clear. I began to experience this astounding sense of fear and urgency for those that do not know Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. He pierced my soul with such a burden that I could not keep still. My eyes were opened to scores of people who are on the road to hell and don't even know it. People that will take their last breath thinking they will enter into an eternity with the King only to find that their name is not in the Book of Life. (See Luke 13: 22-27) This sense of urgency began to consume me like a fire. I began to research mission organizations and just knew God was calling me and my husband to the mission field. Did I mention that he did not have the same call? This should have been my first clue to slow down and wait on God. Instead that fire I mentioned before began to choke out God's word and direction in my life. I began to plan and pave the path that I thought He wanted me to take. And at each dead end I became more frustrated, more tired and more confused than what I had ever been. I began to doubt it all. The whole thing. I must have made it up. God couldn't use me. There has to be someone better out there. Someone more equipped and qualified than me. (Red flag - I had entered enemy territory). It was at that time I asked Him to take it away from me. Take away this fear for the lost. Take away this sense of urgency. I don't want it. I can't handle it. And as soon as those words left my lips, it was gone. I felt at peace, I felt relieved and I didn't have to carry that burden around anymore.

Fast forward:
When: Today
Where: The comfort of my own living room.
What: That bible study I mentioned earlier. Week 2 day 4

The scripture reading was Exodus 24:12-18 where Moses ascends the mountain to retrieve the Ten Commandments. He's gone 40 days and 40 nights and sometime during that time, those dear people he lead out of Egypt.... you know, the ones who walked through the parted sea, saw water spill from a rock, were protected by God's Holy fire etc.....those people? Well, they decided that since Moses was nowhere to be found, the should just make a new god.

The NIV states it this way in Exodus 32:1b. They say to Aaron:
Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him. (emphasis mine).

So Aaron proceeds to have them take off their jewelry and melt it down to make a golden calf. He builds an altar and they arise the next morning to party and offer sacrifices to this lifeless statue.

Here's the aha! moment. Do you know where they got that gold? From God himself. (See Exodus 12:35-36). They turned their very gift from God into a god! All of a sudden, the above memories I shared with you began to flood my mind. Could I have taken a gift and turned it into something that took His place? (Have I mentioned that my anxiety is relatively new to me? I've only expereinced this thorn for about 4 years.) My friends, if God gave me that burden or "fear" as I've called it for the lost and I decided it wasn't for me, could I have transferred to practically everything under the sun because it had no other outlet? Because it wasn't being used for what God had intended? The answer I believe is yes. And I spent some time in prayer with my Father repenting for my actions.

Dear friends, do I think my anxiety is cured? Probably not. And honestly, it may just be my thorn to stay. But I can tell you I feel as though I've spent the last 4 years in the belly of a fish (yes, a Jonah reference) and I'm ready to begin my walk in the right direction breathing some fresh sea salt air! All in His timing of course!